Carlson

By: John Carlson— Recently I was heartened to learn of the arrival in the U.S.A. of gigantic murder hornets, because God knows, we don’t have enough crap to worry about already. Just kidding, of course. We’ve got plenty. Everybody knows we’re facing the COVID-19 pandemic, unprecedented joblessness, increasing hunger and growing unrest in our streets. So now we get murderous hornets the size of buzzards threatening to tear people limb-from-limb, too? Great! That was my first reaction to the hype surrounding the arrival of Asian Giant Hornets, scientifically known as vespamandarinia, an apparent nod to their preference for Italian motor-scooters….

By: John Carlson— One thing which, in a roundabout way, the COVID-19 pandemic has reminded me of is this: When it comes to names, Native Americans have been infinitely more creative than we paler latecomers. How so? The other night while hiding from the coronavirus I was watching one of my favorite movies, “Dances With Wolves.” Besides the name of the movie, Dances With Wolves is also the name of the main character, one bestowed in the 1860s upon a young cavalry lieutenant befriended by a group of very hip Sioux folks. Why? Because he danced with wolves. Other names…

By: John Carlson— As an old person who is easily confused, there are many things I do not understand about the coronavirus. For example, in my whole life, I have never been a face-toucher. Oh sure, for a while there as a teenager, I was a more-or-less constant pimple popper. But other than that, as far as I can recall, I have gone entire years at a stretch without touching my face. But now that they tell you, “Do not touch your face!” all I want to do is touch my face. It’s like, touching my face is suddenly my…

By: John Carlson— These days, the longer we cope with the COVID-19 pandemic, the more I find myself thinking about Dunkirk. No, not the Dunkirk to our northeast that holds the distinction of being part of both Jay and Blackford counties, much as I enjoyed my time spent in that pleasant little burg covering occasional stories over the years. Instead, I’m thinking about the Dunkirk that is a French fishing port on the English Channel, and how in May of 1940 it became the center of a legendary and heroic evacuation during some of the darkest early days of World…

By: John Carlson— Lord knows there is much to fear about the COVID-19 pandemic: the collapse of the global economy, ever-mounting casualties, the end of life as we know it… Plus, I’m starting to sweat my next haircut. See, I’ve got a feeling my upcoming appointment with my barber-buddy Holly won’t happen, just like the last one didn’t. In fact, I could easily miss a number of haircuts before things get back to normal. Worst case scenario: Extrapolate that out far enough, and there’s a good chance my hair will wind up looking like Albert Einstein’s. Take it even further,…

By: John Carlson— Not long ago I saw a picture of a person from whose forehead a little black box protruded. This person was asleep. Turns out the box was an electronic thingamajig that sends out a shock every time the person snores. This worked something like a Death Row executioner throwing the switch on Old Sparky. Well, except that the black box would shock the wearer into momentary consciousness. Old Sparky, on the other hand, would have the exact opposite effect. The object of both, however, was to discourage certain offensive behavior. The little black box reinforced the fact…

By: John Carlson— The other day I was hurriedly deleting spam posts from my email when one slugged “toco warranty” caught my eye. That’s right. It read, “toco warranty.” At least, I’m pretty sure it did. Just for the record, I have NO idea what a “toco warranty” is, let alone what protection a warranty for a toco would provide. Still, I was momentarily stunned by the sight of this, thinking that perhaps I had misread it. “Did that post actually say ‘taco warranty’?” I asked myself, mindful of my personal addiction to them. Alas, I didn’t check, though I probably…

By: John Carlson— Well, this certainly sucks. Meaning the coronavirus, of course. Good old COVID-19. By now we all know it has spurred some significant life changes, and not just in the fact it can be hard to buy toilet paper and hand sanitizer, and we can’t sit inside restaurants or – ‘scuse me while I dab the tears from my eyes – bars anymore. Like many folks, what it’s done to the stock market makes me want to flat-out hurl. There are also big changes at church. Having been raised the son of conservative Baptists, I always figured I racked…

By: John Carlson— The more reading I do on computers, the more I appreciate books. Not that, under certain certain circumstances, I don’t appreciate some electronic gizmos as well, you understand. Nancy and I both carry around Kindles. Mine is stuffed with so many e-books, if they had actual pages and covers I’d have to wear a truss. For example, in book form, writer Ron Chernow’s hardcover, best-selling biography of Union general and former president Ulysses S. Grant weighs in at 1074 pages, counting its index. I’ve tried reading it before, but my arms got tired. In Kindle form, however,…